I never saw myself as an artist in any way. Actually I always saw myself as the most ordinary guy you can find around – average at everything, never able to take that leap forward into becoming an “expert”. Occasionally I was feeling either too good about myself, either really, really bad and depressed. I’d go and say that 1/3 of my life I felt depressed and misplaced. It is in the family apparently…

But most of these things changed sometime ago and I blame my age for it. It is not the fact that I became better at something but the fact that I have started settling with the idea that this is what I am and, well, I have to live with it. Strangely, this new perspective gave me some sort of strange type of self-confidence. The more of my limits I am discovering, the more confident I am becoming. I also tend now to be constantly happy which is probably the consequence of having a very fulfilling love life.

But, above everything, there is one thing that makes me feel special sometimes and that is my latest occupation, the photography. It is, of course, impossible for me to evaluate the quality of what I do, but I can see that people like it and this makes me feel incredibly lucky. It also makes me wanting to do more and more. But not in a normal “needy” way, not out of vanity. I don’t know if it is a common feeling between people doing art, but the need to create more, to generate photographically art seems to be painful. It burns through my feelings and often becomes visceral. It is strange and uncanny for me to feel like this. Some might argue that this is passion, but it isn’t. I have many passions, the one for video games being the biggest that I know. I am also very, very passionate about Space and Universe. But it doesn’t feel the same. Normal passions feel “needy”, like a hole that I have to fill, not like a pain that I have to mend all the time. And I am a bit scared since I feel that this constant “pain” might jeopardize my career in games development. I am unsettled.

Really fucked up, really…

 

P.S. Not to mention that now I am like talking so sophisticated about my feelings… This is bad, isn’t it?!